Dancing Down the Moon

Runic Wednesdays: Aett One - Sacrifice

(Thurisaz)

I am the blood that wells to the righteous wound
I am the scar that remains
I will make the cut at your word:
Draw me not without discernment,
Nor lower me without honor.

Letter/Sound: Th

Translation: Thorn, Giant

In Norse myth, the Frost Giants were considered the adversaries of the Asgard, but their role was more vital than simply a foil; they were prime motivators in most of the myths, and kept the Asgard from falling into complacency (from regressing back to the Fehu stage of the journey).

The Thorn, Thurisaz, is the Rune of Sacrifice. It is in its way the opposite of the energies of Uruz, which is wild and untamed power; the Thorn demands that we learn discipline, and learn the often painful lesson that nothing comes without a cost. The Thorn cleaves away what is not serving us in our evolution. It helps clear a space for the Divine to enter, but often that space is full of our own issues and baggage, and these are what we must sacrifice in order to learn.

When I think of Thurisaz, rather than a thorn, I think of a tattoo gun. When you get a tattoo or body piercing, you willingly give yourself over to a rite of initiation by pain—even if you don't view it as such, you are paying someone to permanently change the only body you get for this Earthwalk. The Thorn is the needle, and it cuts through the skin to leave behind beauty, meaning, strength, and symbol. The cost is your blood, and your pain.

The Rune of Sacrifice's first counsel is always this: choose the pain that will count instead of letting pain choose you. Take the riskier road, rip the bandage off and sing. Make the choice to take on the responsibility of your own life instead of having it forced on you by circumstance. Offer up your demons before they must be stripped from you by later Runes like Hagalaz. Here, at this point in the Aett, there is still an element of choice in what is to come—you are choosing later consequences with your actions now.

Leaving the safe road almost always means peril and pain. But almost all the great literature of our time would agree that leaving home is the only way to fulfill your potential as heroine of your own story.

The Rune of Sacrifice in Divination

When the Thorn appears in your readings, look around at your life and see what the gods might be asking you to sacrifice in order to receive what it is that you want out of life. What is standing between you and your goal? What are you willing to give up for it?

That sacrifice might be time—the time to commit to a spiritual practice or a health regime, the time to read, the time to meditate, the time to spend with family. Whatever the Thorn is asking, it will not be easy to cast aside; if people had cheerfully jumped onto the altar to have their hearts cut out by ancient priests, they wouldn't have been sacrifices, they'd have been volunteers. Right now the universe is giving you the chance to cut away the parts of your life that are holding you back; you have until the end of this Aett to do so, before the next set of Runes does it for you in a much more painful way.

The lesson of Thurisaz, then, is: Make the pain count. Think of yourself as an artist confronted with a new block of stone: chisel away everything that isn't you. Make a space inside you for wonder to flow in—take up your sickle and clear the land, cut down the weeds and brambles, and open up your life to the change that's coming instead of fighting it. Make a space before the wildfire comes.

What To Think About when Sacrifice Appears in a Reading

1. What am I resisting? What stands in my way?

2. What am I willing to give up in order to get what I want?

3. Are there relationships or people in my life that are toxic and need to be excised?

4. Am I willing to commit to a practice or routine that will, through my self-discipline, yield the results I desire?

I Tried to be Patient, but it Took too Long!

When I'm expecting visitors to my home, I fidget.  The last hour before they're supposed to arrive I spend tidying up things that are already tidy, and doing piddly things like lighting incense and putting just the right music on the stereo.  I try to settle down and read a book or work a crossword puzzle, or occupy myself writing, but I tend to wander from room to room as the minutes tick by, not sure what to do with myself. 

God help me if they're late.  Then I sit and stare at the clock and keep shifting positions in the chair:  legs to the left, legs to the right, legs crossed, curled up in a ball, knees bent, feet on the coffee table...argh!  I finish one crossword and start another, or end up reading the same lines of a book over and over.

That anticipatory restlessness essentially describes how my entire life has felt lately.  I know something is about to arrive, and I am tired of waiting.  The question has evolved from "what the hell is going on with my life?" to "what can I do to get this thing moving?"  I don't believe in sitting back and letting life happen, even though that's basically what I've done since moving out of my parents' house at 18.  I keep thinking that the universe is waiting for me to do something, or that we're waiting for each other--that the catalyst is my doing and the rest will follow. 

Unfortunately I have no idea what that catalyst is, and hints are not something the gods seem all that interested in providing.

It's like when you feel a sneeze building, and building, and you're really looking forward to a good sneeze, but...no.  No sneeze.  Not yet.  Just an itchy nose. 

Actually a better description would be four hours of sex with no orgasm.  Almost, almost, almost...damn it.  Someone's fingers get tired or your batteries wear out or the bed collapses or the police arrive, and you end up screaming with frustration rather than abandon.  I'm at the place about five minutes before that happens.

Eight centimeters dilated.  Bottom of the ninth with bases loaded and the pitcher gets a cramp.  Midway through the seventh Harry Potter book--how much longer is this damn story going to go on?  Stuck right between the inhalation and the exhalation.

I don't know what I'm expecting, and I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing, and it's maddening.  August, the signs seem to say.  August is when things start to change, for real this time.  Late summer.  Am I sure?  No.  I have lost the ability to be sure of anything.  But I have, as I've said, hope--hope in God, and hope in my own intuition. 

Nevertheless I am very bad at waiting. You should see me in line at the DMV sometime.

It occurs to me that I should perhaps be concerned whether the Oncoming Storm is a good thing, a bad thing, or a Time Lord (gods, the BBC has eaten my soul).  At this point, however, I have decided to simply have faith, or perhaps extremely vehement hope, that the universe has something in store for me that will floor me with its pure awesomeness, or at least be the kind of pain that I know will count for something in the end, like a tattoo.

In the meantime, here are ten things I love which are helping keep me sane in this liminal, fox-like, cosmically anorgasmic time:

1 ~ Alanis Morissette's new CD Flavors of Entanglement.

2 ~ The fact that I can now get a decaf soy milk mocha Frappuccino.

3 ~ Hannah Kaminsky's blog, Bittersweet, and her new cookbook My Sweet Vegan.

4 ~ Joshua Bell's Romance of the Violin.

5 ~ Fresh cherries and raspberries.

6 ~ My slick-as-hell new Apple keyboard here at work.

7 ~ As alluded to above, I've become quite the fangirl of the Doctor Who universe (Ninth and Tenth Doctor, and let's not forget Torchwood, YUM).  Thank the gods for Netflix, which really should qualify as #8, but I want to leave room for:

8 ~ Feeling inspired to write, even if it's not a book (or a spirituality blog, for that matter)--I haven't enjoyed writing fiction the way I am right now in years.  No pressure, no deadlines, just me having a good time with my weirdo plotlines and my pornographic interludes, and having people email desperately wanting more.  Good for both the muse and the ego. 

9 ~ My artwork adorns several people's bodies, most recently the aforementioned Oldest Friend who came to visit; she asked me to design her first tattoo, and it turned out lovely, both visually and symbolically.  It was a simple sort of thing but I was really pretty proud of it, another sign of progress on my part, as most of my life I've been unable to look at anything I create without ripping it apart with self-criticism.

10 ~ The fact that Stephanie Law's Shadowscapes Tarot is nearly complete.  Thus far my favorite cards are Death, the Page of Wands, the three Queens, and the 8 of Pentacles.

A Sort of Greatness to my Lateness

Yes, I know I missed a Runic Wednesday post.  I had a Very Important Houseguest last week in the person of my oldest friend, whom I see one weekend a year.  We had our usual grand time, including a trip to see The Dark Knight (holy CRAP that was amazing) and a visit to the tattoo store (not for me this time).  So I've been running around with my hair on fire and haven't had time to write.

Rune posts will resume on Wednesday.  Honest.

In the meantime, just as a brief update on the theme park ride that is my life, I'm adjusting to new medication and am therefore even nuttier than usual.  Things are evening out, however, and it seems to be working.  I'm hoping that August will be an easier time than June and July have been, despite the crippling heat.  There have been more foxes, as well, and I'm continuing to enjoy my fictional adventures in The Agency.  So life continues apace, and I keep my head above water as best I can, remembering the sage words of Dory from Finding Nemo:  "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming..."

Runic Wednesdays: Aett One - Strength

(Uruz)

I am the Wild Hunt and its quarry

The courage to fall and rise again

I bring to you the strength of the high mountain

When you think I have left you,

Seek me within.

Letter/Sound: U

Translation: The Aurochs

 

The Rune of Strength also represents an animal, this time a species of ox called the Aurochs, which once populated the European wildlands. The Aurochs was driven into extinction by overzealous hunting, and the last one was killed in the early 17th century. It was a large animal, powerful, and its Rune serves as a counterpoint to the domesticated beast of Fehu. The shape of the Rune is reminiscent of the horns of the ox; here in my home state we have a similar animal, the Longhorn, and if the Aurochs was at all bigger it must have been a formidable animal indeed.

Uruz is a masculine Rune to Fehu’s feminine, but more than that, it is the Call of the Wild. We begin our journey at home, in mundane life, becoming secure in ourselves and our situation in the world. At some point, however, we pause and look around, perhaps asking, “Did anyone else hear that?”

Something has to lead a seeker into seeking. In the case of many would-be Pagan practitioners, it is a feeling of connection to Nature, a realization that there is spirit and energy in every living thing. When we first begin to see and sense there is more to life than work and sleep, we catch sight of the hoofprints of Uruz.

At this point, however, we aren’t quite ready to leave behind all that is familiar and safe to go haring off into the unknown. Uruz isn’t the journey itself, but the knowledge that a journey is coming, and soon. What the Rune symbolizes in essence is that which we must find in ourselves in order to take that first step: Strength.

The Rune of Strength is also the Rune of Will. Your Will is not the same as a whim, not simply a desire; your Will is the soul-deep understanding of the path before you, the choices you must make, and the lessons you are slated to learn in this walk around the Earth. Your Will comes from a grounded place and is carved out of stone; the usual plethora of wants and “needs” we get so entangled in is no more substantial than the wind, and changes just as readily. Your Will does not take the easy way out, and as such, it is hard to follow--especially when you’ve gotten so comfortable with your life.

Think of Fehu as the homestead, and Uruz as the far horizon that beckons. At this point in the Spiral you aren’t ready to go chasing after the second star on the right, but you can feel something you never felt before, a pull, drawing you away.

The Rune of Strength in Divination

When you see Strength in your readings, there could be several forces at work in the situation. First, and most likely, it indicates that in order to be successful and to triumph in whatever part of life the reading describes, you must look to your own inner Strength and call upon your true Will to make the right decisions. Determination is called for here.

Another thing Uruz can sometimes speak of is an actual person, either one in our lives or one that will be, almost always male. If you draw Uruz and Fehu together it’s possible the two are speaking of a couple, no matter what combination of actual genders is involved. The two are complementary. The man in question is likely a strong figure, one with definite ideas about what he wants and how the world should be; occasionally he can be a bully or have what my friends and I call “testosterone poisoning.” Uruz is almost stereotypically masculine in energy, but can be harnessed by women just as well to help with situations where we need to stand up for ourselves.

There is an undercurrent of sexuality to the energy of this Rune--not love, but purely physical, often intense, red-hot monkey sex. If Uruz appears with the Rune of Love (X) you may see a sudden inrush of sexual activity that could very well yield up a lasting relationship. On its own, however, Strength has no emotional attachment to its partners, and is in it for the enjoyment of the moment with no strings. If you are in a situation that feels stuck, or have a creative block, and Uruz appears, you might try spicing up your sex life a little to get your energy flowing again.

In fact, another difference between the two opening Runes of this Aett is one of embodiment; while both are symbolic of manifest reality, Fehu represents the material world, our life situation; Uruz is more in tune with our bodies themselves, our very physical existence.  Drawing Uruz can indicate you need a more literal kind of strength, and that you should turn your attention to your body's health and needs. 

 

What to Think About When Strength Appears in a

Reading

1. Am I following through on my plans, or am I procrastinating?

2. Is there something I know has to be done that I am afraid to do?

3. What about this situation am I genuinely afraid of?

4. Is there a person in my life who is exerting too much influence over my decisions?

5. What is it that I truly want?

6. Am I willing to do what it takes to achieve my dreams?

7. Have I been dreaming of a different life lately? What about my life could I change?

 

Hope is the Thing With Branches

I am the Earth these days, baked brown and tired.  The grass is wilting and turning crispy in the Sun's baleful gaze, except for today when the clouds have rolled over and there is just enough rain to crank the humidity up to "Sauna on Mercury."  We've already had record breaking temperatures in June, and there's still a good three months to get through before Autumn meanders into the spotlight, assuming it hits its cue.  You never can tell anymore. 

Heat saps my strength.  I am a child of Fall, and this time of year is always hard for me--I crave early sunsets and dragon-breath frost, long sleeves, trench coats.  The photosensitivity I mentioned in an earlier post, from my antidepressant, only makes this worse; Summer makes me tired. 

I remember, as a child, loving it--it was cooler then, and the prospect of weeks of vacation made me willing to brave the heat.  I ran barefoot over the blacktop and cherished the late evenings.  Barbecues, picnics, swimming lessons, Vacation Bible School, the ice cream man, snow cones...Summer has so much to offer children. 

Twenty years later I am parched and cracked and dizzy from the brightness.  You know that feeling when you walk out of a movie theater and the sun's so bright it hurts?  I feel like that every time I go outside, whether it's dawn or noon.  My head swims, my joints ache.  I want to hide in the cool darkness of my bedroom and hibernate through the Summer like a seasonally-dyslexic bear.

Runic Wednesdays: Aett One - Wealth

The first eight Runes in the Elder Futhark prepare us for our initiation.  We begin in everyday, mundane life, taking care of our physical needs.  Most people do not dare venture beyond the ordinary; some see beneath and through the materialism of modern life, and venture into the unknown, seeking something more.  There is joy in the journey, and sacrifice; we are charged to be strong, to listen, and to learn.  We begin to understand that we are not alone in the universe--there is something, or Someone, waiting to guide us, calling us, at once as far away as the corners of Creation, and as close as the ground beneath our feet.

This is the beginning.  A journey of a thousand miles lies before you, but before you can take the first step, you have to choose to get up and walk.

In Which Sylvan Calls BS on Herself

Sometimes I imagine myself as a discarnate soul floating around in the beyond, conversing with Deity about what sort of lessons I felt I needed to learn in this life.

"Well, let's see," Deity says, checking Her clipboard, "This last time you were a morning person, and a Republican Senator's daughter.  Really gorgeous except for the tiny breasts.  I think we'll sign you up for Bleeding Heart Liberalism--oh, and how about a creative gift?  Bleeding Heart Liberals are always so creative."

"Ooooh, I always wanted to learn to tap dance," I say.

"No, I don't think so.  How about writing?  You could be brilliant at writing.  And we'll triple your cup size, but that means we triple everything else.  Oh, and there's one more thing...thanks to that stunt you pulled in school last time, I'm afraid we have to give you the Inverse Advice Columnist Curse."

"What the bloody hell is that?"

"Basically?  You'll be asked for a lot of advice, and you'll give what you think is a great answer, but within one  year of every single question you'll have the exact same thing happen to you and you'll feel like a real asshole for making the situation sound so simple."

"But...if I'm going to advise people shouldn't I know what I'm talking about first?"

"Not necessary.  Brilliant Writing Ability comes with a secondary gift, Talking Out of Your Ass, as well as Cutting Wit.  We call it the Bullshit Trifecta.  Enjoy."

Over the years since my first book came out I've gotten a lot of emails asking for some form of wisdom, ranging from puzzling to laughable to heartbreaking.  I do the best I can, and try to acknowledge when I'm out of my depth, but two related subjects seem to come up over and over:  dark nights of the soul, and their mopey Emo cousin, spiritual depression.

A dark night is a crisis, usually brought on by some sort of grievous event, but it can also be the last straw during a period of spiritual depression, which is in its way much worse.  Just as clinical depression leaches the color and enjoyment out of life, spiritual depression drains the passionate Presence from your world.  Both forms of depression often go hand in hand, and one can lead to the other, but it takes more than medication to ease the spiritual kind.

When people ask me how to reawaken their religious practice, I usually reply with variations on two themes:  try to be patient, and keep showing up.  I say something about how people's spiritual lives move in cycles just like everything else and that if they remain open, eventually they'll find that spark again.  I say, keep practicing, even just for a few minutes a day, to keep the door open.

Sounds good, doesn't it?  It's wonderful to be so damn wise.

Well, you can thank the Bullshit Trifecta for that.

I'm not saying the advice isn't valid or that it doesn't work.  I'm just saying that it's not as easy as I thought it was to apply any of that advice when you're in the thick of it.  And if a 30 year old Pagan writer gal were to offer me that same advice right now I'd probably staple something to her head.

Luckily I've never made any secret of the fact that I'm not a counselor, and the standard caveat "your mileage may vary" often passes through my lips.  I don't make promises or guarantees.  Thus far I have yet to see an army of pitchfork-wielding blog readers on my doorstep skewering me for ruining their lives, so I assume that people have taken my words to heart and found their way out of the woods.  I honor them for their tenacity and courage.  I also envy them.

I've never once tried to present myself as someone who had it all together.  Lately, however, it seems the universe is bent on proving just how together I do not have it at all.

And so, allow me to revise months of email replies to reflect my present circumstances:

Dear Sylvan,

I've been practicing Wicca for years and over the past few months it seems like the gods just aren't listening anymore, and I'm having trouble believing in the things that always mattered most to me.  I can't seem to get myself to meditate or do ritual and when I do it just does nothing for me at all.  My altar and my spirit both seem to be gathering dust.  What do you do when you lose touch with Deity and you feel like your spirituality is just slipping away from you? 

Thanks,
Despairing in Dallas

Dear Despairing,

I have absolutely no fucking idea.  If you figure it out, let me know.

Sincerely,
Sylvan the Sheepish

Runic Wednesdays - an Introduction

Before I get into the individual Runes themselves, or into any depth regarding the alphabet as a whole, I thought I would begin by linking to two posts I made a long while ago that introduce my basic approach to the Elder Futhark, its history, and what I believe it means. 

The Runes as a Spiritual Oracle, Part One

The Runes as a Spiritual Oracle, Part Two

 

Runic Wednesdays - Storytelling

In an effort to get back into the swing of regular posting, I have decided that Wednesdays shall now be dedicated to posts about the Runes of the Elder Futhark.  I'll do a Rune of the Week, discussing the symbolic meanings as well as my own way of interpreting them in a casting.  This may interest no one, but it does me, and anything that gets me fired up about writing again is more than welcome to stay and play.

To start things off, I thought I'd share a short piece I wrote several years ago with the intent of using it in a book about my approach to the Runes.  I may still, but I'm trying not to force myself to think strictly in terms of books these days, and it seems a shame for this story to gather dust in a lonely My Documents folder. 

Therefore, I give you,

Odin's Tale, based on the Runatal section of the Havamal, the mythological account of the origin of the Runes.

I Have Chosen to Stay and Fight

From Pagan Prompt:

Do pagans have a responsibility to honor all life and thus be vegetarians?

Oh, mercy.  I tend to avoid questions like this like the plague.  Few things make people as angry and defensive as questioning their meat-eating, and since I don't like to be bitched at and belittled, I don't talk about that sort of thing as much as I probably should.  I am a passive activist, you could say.  To quote a bumper sticker, "Regime change begins at home."  I do enjoy writing about the subject, but you'll notice I still haven't started that secondary blog I mentioned months ago.

The thing is, people who get angry on either side of the issue certainly aren't going to win anyone over, and a depressing percentage of the vegans I've met have been self-righteous, bitter, pedantic jerks.  You could also say the same about any marginalized group.  Being passionate about one's values can very easily slide into rage and bitterness when one sees that so few others feel the same way about something that you think is not only important, but glaringly self-evident.  The world is fucked up, and no two groups agree exactly on how it should be unfucked, and worst of all, it's very easy to give up in the face of one person's seeming inability to contribute to the unfucking of a fuck so vast and pervasive.

Do I think the world would be a better place if we stopped torturing and killing animals for food and pleasure?  Yes.  But that's not a decision I can make for anyone else.  I can only live according to the values I hold dear and hope that one day my example inspires someone else to take a hard look at her own habits, and maybe even change them.  Nevertheless, the entire world's transgressions against the sacred are not something I can control, and in the end, I am only responsible for myself.  A movement is only as viable as the individuals within it.

So if you ask me, "Do pagans have a responsibility to honor all life and thus be vegetarians?" I'll say, "No.  I do."  Not because I think that's the only way to be Wiccan, or to honor the Earth, or that any other way of living is inferior--because it's what I believe, and I want to live a life of integrity. 

Other people can ignore the cognitive dissonance between environmentalism and the destruction caused by factory farming; other people can draw a divide between the lives and suffering of animals and the lives and suffering of humans; other people can believe that praying over a corpse excuses its torture and death.  I can't do those things.  So I choose to live another way as much as I can.  But it's my choice.  You have to make your own.

Now, having said that, I will admit quite freely that my commitment to veganism has not been 100%, or constant.  In the last few months I've tumbled clumsily off the wagon (and into a vat of ice cream).  I'm not proud of it, but neither am I giving myself grief about it--we all have our seasons of darkness.  As everyone knows, this has been a very long and difficult one for me.  Therefore, I'm hardly in a position to judge what other people do or don't do.  The best I can do is keep trying, and as my mental health has improved, so has my ability to make decisions in keeping with my values. 

For me personally, eating animal products ties in with a self-destructive part of myself that I am working to exorcise.  Aside from the ethical issues, when I eat vegan my physical health improves, and when I am in a depressive tailspin I sabotage my health at every opportunity.  Not only does it hurt my body, it poisons my mind:  "Oh, I can't do anything right, I'm such a screwup, I can't even stay vegan, not only am I messing up my own life, I'm hurting animals too.  I should just swallow this bottle of Ambien and call shenanigans on this entire wasted incarnation."  Also, if I am habitually eating cheese, it's evidence that my spiritual practice has atrophied, because ahimsa, noninjury, is such an important part of that practice.  Ahimsa applies both to others and to myself, and if all things are connected, one cannot be separated from the other.

My newest tattoo is part of my effort to reclaim what matters in my life.  It's also a commitment to my life in itself:  if I claim to adhere to the principle of noninjury, whether according to the Wiccan Rede or to a Sanskrit concept, that principle must include myself, and therefore I have the sacred responsibility to treat myself with the same compassion and love as I would a cow, a pig, or a human.  Love and hatred have this much in common:  neither can be contained.  If one affects part of your life, eventually it will affect everything.

That means, I live.  I stay.  I keep getting up, and I keep fighting for myself and my beliefs.  I refuse to give up on myself or the world. 

What I would say to the average Pagan, then, isn't "You shouldn't eat cows/cheese/jam sandwiches/anteaters/whatever," but, "Are you living in a way that supports your deepest and most cherished beliefs?"  What you do every day contributes more than what you do once in a while.  The least-considered part of your life informs the whole. 

Are your actions and values in line?  Most Westerners would have to answer that one in the negative.  If so, what can you do to bring all parts of your life into consonance?  What are you doing, as an individual with your individual gifts and individual challenges, to affirm and deepen your commitment to the sacred?

I have chosen to keep living because I know I can do better than I have...because deep down I believe I can make something beautiful out of what I've been given...because I know I can make a difference...because I want my legacy to be more than "she was a mammal." 

I choose to stay, learn, grow, become whatever it is I will become, and hopefully leave this place a little better than I found it.

But that's just me.  What are you staying for?

(Post title taken from the title of Margaret Cho's latest book.)